My 30 year old daughter, Sasha, wants to go to WashingtonStateUniversity
and devour zoology. Cool!
She has been living on the edge for a couple of years with her work at the University of Washington. She manages the finances of around 30 revolving grants research grants there. The group has been at risk of losing its funding for the last two years. They
keep warning her the grant money and hence her job may run out in two months. This has gone on for a couple of years. A
stressful life of uncertainty.
Recently, she was told again that the funding would most likely run out at the end of October. This leaves her in a bit of a problem with making ends meet until the fall quarter starts a year later when she can apply for scholarships, loans, and grants.
She does OK with all this. I, as Dad, freak out.
I panic. I run around trying to fix things. It’s not pretty and I feel horrible. Helpless. And sometimes hopeless.
The minute I notice how I feel, I can act to correct the imbalance.
When I use Byron Katie’s four questions, I calm down. Good. And I see that my panic is all about avoiding shame of not being good enough in multiple ways.
Strategies for When You Lose It
Here are a handful of strategies I recommend for you when you lose it. They work for me.
First, use this quick sentence the moment you recognize you’re getting some heavy shame weather.
Even though I feel _________, that’s OK, I am still worthy of love and belonging.
So in this example I could say –
Even though I am freaking out and I’m afraid I’m a bad Dad, that’s OK, I am still worthy of love and belonging.
Then I can recall one or both of these two quotes –
This from The Tao Te Ching translated by Stephen Mitchell —
Do you have the patience to wait
Till your mud settles and the water
is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
Till the right action arises by
itself?
This from the lovely film, Shakespeare in Love –
Philip Henslowe: Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain about the theatre
business. (You can substitute – the business of life.) The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.
Hugh Fennyman: So what do we do?
Philip Henslowe: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.
Hugh Fennyman: How?
Philip Henslowe: I don’t know. It’s a mystery.
Lastly, always remember –
There is no-where to go.
And there is no-thing to do.
I recommend memorizing these things so they will be available for you when you need them.
Weave in Byron Katie’s work into the mix where it seems to fit.
It’s not that you won’t lose it ever again, it’s more a matter of rebooting and returning to peaceful, calm, effective action and an open heart.
Walk in beauty,
William
P.S. It helps to talk with people who don’t freak out, or at least aren’t freaked out about your stuff. As a coach, I don’t freak out. When I need help, I talk with Suzanne, friends, and my professional mentors because they don’t freak out.
Gather those people to you. Build a core of support.
P.P.S. Leave your comments, please. Contribute.
