Ruth Passes

On Saturday morning, September 19th, Suzanne's mother, Ruth, died.

I've been looking at seasons in my teleclasses with Dr. Mark Filippi and Ruth's passing falls right in the middle of our class. Obviously, seasons fill my attention.

The longest seasonal span humans engage in, is the arc of a person's life. Ruth was the last of our parents to pass on so it's an end of an generational era for us.

You will face losses continually the remainder of your life, so as Suzanne and I navigate this loss, I want to share some reflections.

Uncharitable, politically incorrect thoughts about the deceased may pass through your mind. It's normal. Not to worry. You may not want to share them with just anyone… And if you do, don't worry, you're grieving, people will forgive you.

For example, my thought, "Good, she died before her money ran out." (Ruth was 90.)

I was and am grateful that I won't have to drain my savings to pay for her nursing home. But this isn't my only thought about Ruth. It's just one I'd prefer people didn't know.

Suzanne had some thoughts as well that started with - "Good, she..." The rest of the sentences will remain private.

The culture tells us, "Don't speak ill of the dead." Go ahead, do it anyhow. Or at least, notice your thoughts. They are part of the grieving process. They are ways to make us feel better about the loss.

You will pass through the five stages of grief - perhaps the most uncomfortable is anger. You may find yourself angry at lots of innocent people and some not so innocent ones. If you're snappish with your loved ones, or the server who brings your food in the restaurant as my father often was after Mom died, it's your anger of grieving leaking out.

You may find it useful to direct your anger at God or the loved one who died.

You can support your grieving by finding compassionate folks to talk with who won't feel sorry for you. And I always think you may need to spend more time outdoors or in silence.

Give yourself time and space. One hundred years ago, we'd give you a full year to grieve. Now the time is more like two weeks. Be generous, take the year.

Every Other Loss

Whenever you experience a loss, every other loss you have ever had where your grieving is incomplete, will bubble up to the surface to be mourned. Welcome it. Give yourself time and space.

I was surprised by one bubble that came up. I am still missing the underground home we built adjacent to the 9000 acre state park in Ohio. Note: We moved to Seattle over 26 years ago.

Write

Predictably I urge people to write. Specifically, I suggest writing poetry as the most condensed way to express you loss and your pain.

Turn into your pain. Write what you find there.

The following poem captures the morning for me and a bit of the melancholy flavor of the autumn.

Beneath the street trees,
In the warm rain,
A carpet of coral red petals
As Ruth passes.

Blessings,

Painting by William see more at Playful & Sacred Art